2 years, 7 months and 17 days ago I was on my way from Price to Provo for a fun weekend with my handsome husband when a truck coming the other direction drove out of their lane into us head on at 65 miles an hour. That collision caused so much damage including the loss of my first baby, a boy. For those 2 years we were forbidden to share anything about it on Facebook or blogs in the case that the insurance company could use any of our words against us.
Just two weeks ago Monday we had a sit down with the insurance company and closed the legal case regarding that accident.
Leading up to that mediation I was SCARED TO DEATH. Was I going to have to live through all the details again? Would I be ready to no longer have something to blame for my emotional issues? How price was the law going to put on the life of my son? Was there anything I could say that would accurately describe the depth and breadth of the pain that this accident caused? As Sheldon put it, "how do you explain 2 years of hell to someone in words?"
The truth is, no one could understand what we went through unless they went through it themselves, just as I can't understand anyone else's pain with their losses and trials. Only one who ever walked the earth understands these things and He does understand perfectly. That is Jesus Christ.
Throughout these last two years I have shut Him out and lost faith but have then grown closer to Him and trusted Him more as I have watched Him come into my life and change and heal me when there was literally no human or worldly thing that could have. I was not always the most willing but He has been so patient.
Among the many lessons I learned after losing my baby, the one that has been on my mind the most lately is this:
Yes, God's plan is a plan of happiness and Jesus Christ can carry our burdens and help us be happy, but sometimes we just need to hurt. He understands that too! He gets that we feel angry.
So don't run away from sadness or hurt, just know that it is part of the deal. Just because it is hard to be happy doesn't mean that you've lost your faith in Jesus Christ or that He no longer cares. Allow yourself to feel pain so that you can enjoy your happiness even more.
I know that the happiness does come back!
Just two weeks ago Monday we had a sit down with the insurance company and closed the legal case regarding that accident.
Leading up to that mediation I was SCARED TO DEATH. Was I going to have to live through all the details again? Would I be ready to no longer have something to blame for my emotional issues? How price was the law going to put on the life of my son? Was there anything I could say that would accurately describe the depth and breadth of the pain that this accident caused? As Sheldon put it, "how do you explain 2 years of hell to someone in words?"
The truth is, no one could understand what we went through unless they went through it themselves, just as I can't understand anyone else's pain with their losses and trials. Only one who ever walked the earth understands these things and He does understand perfectly. That is Jesus Christ.
Throughout these last two years I have shut Him out and lost faith but have then grown closer to Him and trusted Him more as I have watched Him come into my life and change and heal me when there was literally no human or worldly thing that could have. I was not always the most willing but He has been so patient.
Among the many lessons I learned after losing my baby, the one that has been on my mind the most lately is this:
IT IS OK TO NOT BE OK.
Yes, God's plan is a plan of happiness and Jesus Christ can carry our burdens and help us be happy, but sometimes we just need to hurt. He understands that too! He gets that we feel angry.
So don't run away from sadness or hurt, just know that it is part of the deal. Just because it is hard to be happy doesn't mean that you've lost your faith in Jesus Christ or that He no longer cares. Allow yourself to feel pain so that you can enjoy your happiness even more.
I know that the happiness does come back!
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