Suicide

I had done it all: gone to counseling, accepted new calls to serve in my ward, prayed, read my scriptures, received priesthood blessings that said I would be “strong enough,” left the house and talked to friends and family on the phone, even started medication. And yet, there I was at 11:30 on a Tuesday night, KNOWING that suicide would ultimately be my end. Every part of me that felt completely rational was sure that I had won the battle that day, but my depression would win the war.

It devastated me, I didn’t want to leave my family like that but just knew I couldn’t keep living my life the way I did.

The feelings ebbed and flowed as did my strength to combat them, and I ultimately had to change my situation so that I was safe enough, and then just wait for my medication to kick in.

I’ve decided Depression is like one of those “parasites” you see in alien movies, the kind that takes over your mind. Every day I would try and find myself in that mess. When it got bad and suicidal thoughts were frequent I would try and fight that manipulative parasite with reasons I mattered to people. Each time that list would get smaller and smaller. It felt as if my ammo was running out and the Depression got stronger. It seemed to always have a way to invalidate my reasons to stay.

One day, my aunt brought me some flowers from her garden in a small mason jar. She said “these are for you, because you are our sunshine flower.”

It was as if the blinds in my dark room had been separated for just a short second and I saw a glimpse of my real self, of my real life. While it was simple, It was such a sincere and meaningful compliment that changed my “war strategy,” per se. I knew that I mattered to someone for real reasons. It gave me the ammo I needed. Depression couldn’t tell me I made that one up.

Perhaps that is one of the best ways to help our friends who are struggling. Rather than only being there to talk when things are hard (which is important, although depression has a way of building walls that make reaching out hard), we ought to more freely offer why people matter to us and fill each other’s arsenals to fight the parasite Depression. This helps remind them who they are FOR REAL and that the depression is NOT them. That the depression need not win.

I’m going to try and be better at that. #sharegoodness